(Welcome to the first installment of me attempting to write a book. I will be posting these "Chapters" on my blog, in between regular posts. Please feel free to enjoy and read in whichever order you would like. Thank you!)
I wasn't exactly sure how I had gotten here, at that exact moment.
Thirty years old. Check. Associates Degree in Illustration, and an almost-finished degree in Animation. Check. A good job with good pay. BIG Check. And plenty of responsibilities at the Singles Ward I attended.* Many checks.
So I wasn't entirely sure how I came to be sitting in the cushiony seat of an armchair in the office of a therapist provided by LDS Family Services.
I had been in an office like this four or so times in my life:
When I was young part of the court proceedings had been to interview each of the children within our family. Even then I'd known that the Lady With the Copper Hair had something against my mother and I played as innocent as I possibly could at the time, utilizing the wide-eyes that still make people think I'm 21 rather than my actual age. I'm not sure if my Act helped or not, but Mom was able to keep custody of us...and the corrupt worker who'd been assigned to the case was put under the spotlight.
The next time I went was when I was in my early twenties. I'd started to notice that I was having problems with things, even then--small flashbacks, difficulty interacting with people and being touched, a hard time creating relationships, and severe anxiety when it came to seemingly common tasks: taking the bus outside of my regular route, talking to people, etcetera. For someone who thought that she'd left the past behind her, these problems left her quaking in her slip-on Keds.
I built up enough courage to talk to my Bishop at the time and, mystified, this young Ecclesiastical leader sent me to see a Therapist, as I'd requested.
But upon telling her my story her response was, "Sooo...why exactly are you here?"
In the drama that was my family's history I was long-seen as a non-victim, and an observer. And at that point I couldn't even allow myself to face the knowledge of what had been done to me--after all, compared to others in my family who had suffered, I'd practically gotten off scott-free--so I continued to remain in a secondary position of trauma.
I realized in that exact moment that if I was to work through any of my problems it would have to be on my own, little by little.
Flash forward to my 26th/27th year. I'd been prompted through personal revelation and prayer to serve as a full-time proselyting missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. But there was a little matter of the trauma that I was still dealing with. I spoke with yet another therapist and asked the question of, "will this get in the way of me serving a mission?" Her response was that I seemed to be handling what had happened to me with perseverance and she saw no need for me to wait to submit my papers.
And for a blessed year and a half, as a served as a missionary for God day and night, I wasn't plagued by the past. It truly was a tender mercy of the Lord.
But as I started getting to the end of my mission the benediction I'd received was starting to sport some holes. Old thoughts, memories, and problems were coming back. As though the Lord was reminding me that I would have to return to The World once more, where distractions and temptations exist. Still, I fought it with all my might.
But a year and half back from my mission and I was back where I'd started at age fourteen. Dealing with the same issues.
It all comes down to the fact that I'm my father's second daughter.
* A Ward is a church congregation within The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (i.e. LDS/Mormons. A Link to Mormon.org for the Curious ). There are many Wards within Stakes. And many Stakes within Areas. A Singles Ward is a congregation specifically set up for Young Single Adults (referred to as YSA's for simplicity). YSA's are any Church member between the age of 18 and 30. SA's are those in the 30+ range.
I will soon be joining these honored ranks. *bows*
