Body Image

I have been thinking a lot about body image and overall self confidence, lately.

When I was younger I had quite a few issues with comparing myself to others. One big problem was that I was never as thin or beautiful as my friends and loved ones. Even now I am still short, round-faced and untraditionally pretty (“adorable” is the adjective I get the most). But Comparisons really are the thieves of joy, especially at that age.

Then, when I was fourteen, I had an epiphany. I realized that all women are beautiful. They just needed to emphasize their best traits, whether through clothing or accessories or hair style. (A kind of simplified viewpoint.)

This concept lasted with me for a while before self-consciousness once again ate at me. Particularly after puberty hit me hard. And not in a good way.

Years later, after living with the shame of being extraordinarily hairy due to PCOS, I realized when starting out as a college student that no one really noticed me at all, therefore no one really cares about what you look like. You'd think that it would be an isolating concept, but it was actually quite freeing, the concept that people are more worried about themselves, their lives, and their stresses than whether or not the people around them are beautiful.

It was at that point that I accepted myself, short stature and hair and rounded form and all.

This was when I turned 18-19.

Years later, at age 27, as I served a full time proselytizing mission in Japan for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I was informed once again by people at large that my hairiness was not socially acceptable (in Japan) and that for people to be willing to hear my message I would have to get rid of it. I took another hit to my self confidence, then. I had accepted this aspect of my form as part of “who I was” and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to part with it.

This could have been a debilitating experience—I could have taken on the mentality that the way I was wasn’t “good enough,” for the country I was in and the work I was doing.

But the opposite ended up happening. I realized that I was more than my body and my appearance. Whether I was hairy or not didn’t change the nature of my heart and soul. And my focus shifted—was I willing to give up my pride for the sake of a higher purpose?

So I did. And I haven’t looked back. Even now I go through the long process over and over again to maintain my appearance, and dress nicely on top of everything else (another side effect of living in Japan).

But I am doing it for me, and not for anyone else.

And when I want to dress casual, to wear sarcastic T-shirts and baggy clothes, I don't feel guilty about it. When I want to look pretty, I dress pretty. When I want to be comfortable, I dress comfortably. I wear makeup when I want to and go without most of the time. But there is no shame in either option, and I don't fear leaving the house devoid of makeup.

That, there, is the answer to body image. Are we doing it out of the expectations of others and the world at large, or because we love ourselves and just want to be better?

I may not be the thinnest right now, but I do feel healthy and happy. :) I may not have the features of a model but I do like my eyes and my smile and my current haircut. :)

I am a short 31-year old and have the body and appearance of a short 31-year old and that’s okay—I will never be in my twenties again, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t still be happy in the life and body I am living in.

I have come to the conclusion that the best way to emphasize our beauty (inside and out) is by “accessorizing” with confidence in who we are and joy in the life we live.

The main comparisons you make should involve comparing who you are now to who you were previously.

So you might say, “I am healthier than I was a year ago,” “I am more skilled than I was when I started college,” or “I am happier and more involved in my community than I was five years ago.”

Everyone is at different levels and stages, so if you look at others and say, “oh, I wish I was as beautiful and thin as they are,” or, “my portfolio sucks compared to theirs,” then you’ll get discouraged and negative about your own abilities and appearance.

Instead work on the best person that YOU can be.

No one else’s opinion matters more than your own. After all, whose life is it that you’re living? :)

I Am What I Am

Life becomes a lot easier when you realize that you are not a crazy, ditsy clutz who can’t remember/do anything right and freaks out about changes in schedule or change in general in ways that make no sense.  And that you are, in actuality, someone with ADHD that has ADHD and PTSD-related Anxiety issues (and some apparently ADHD-related OCD tendencies. Because apparently that’s a thing).