Sunday's Talk: Personal Revelation

Personal Revelation:

Intro

I have never been great when it comes to listening. Over my lifetime, my mother, a convert
has received revelation frequently. Heavenly Father has always had a purpose for her, because He
knows that she listens and she acts.

I don’t always listen well. Sometimes it takes me several times to respond. I wish, sometimes, that my
promptings were louder, like my mother’s. But I know that Heavenly Father wants me to exert my faith
and learn to recognize His voice. Each person is different, and so how we receive revelation is
different. But we can learn, over time to recognize how Heavenly Father speaks to us through the
Holy Ghost.

   

Today I want to speak on 3 points relating to personal revelation:

• What Personal Revelation Is and Why Heavenly Father gives it to us
• How Do We Receive Revelation
• And what to do about it when we receive it.

   

What Personal Revelation Is

Bible Dictionary:

“Continuous revelation from God to His Saints, through the Holy Ghost or by other means,
such as visions, dreams, or visitations, [which] makes possible daily guidance along true paths
 and leads the faithful soul to complete and eternal salvation in the celestial kingdom….

...It also consists of individual guidance for every person who seeks for it and follows the
prescribed course of faith, repentance, and obedience to the gospel of Jesus Christ.”

Personal Revelation allows for Personal Salvation. It also means day-to-day guidance.

In Pres. Nelson’s talk from last April (2018) General Conference, titled, “Revelation for the
Church, Revelation for our Lives,” he quotes Pres. Lorenzo Snow: “This is the grand privilege
of every Latter-day Saint … that it is our right to have the manifestations of the Spirit every
day of our lives.”       

Why Does Heavenly Father Give Revelation To Us?

In many ways, we are the sand upon the seashore. We are nothing, when compared to God.
Yet we are EVERYTHING to Him.

Moses 1:3-6

“3 And God spake unto Moses, saying: Behold, I am the Lord God Almighty, and Endless is
my name; for I am without beginning of days or end of years; and is not this endless?           

4 And, behold, thou art my son; wherefore look, and I will show thee the workmanship of
mine hands; but not all, for my works are without end, and also my words, for they never cease.        

5 Wherefore, no man can behold all my works, except he behold all my glory; and no man can
behold all my glory, and afterwards remain in the flesh on the earth.   

6 And I have a work for thee, Moses, my son; and thou art in the similitude of mine Only
Begotten; and mine Only Begotten is and shall be the Savior, for he is full of grace and
truth; but there is no God beside me, and all things are present with me, for I know them all 
.”

God gives us Personal Revelation because HE LOVES US. If He was willing to give up His
Only Begotten Son for us, it’s not a surprise that he is willing to give us Daily guidance.

How do We Received Revelation

When we wish to receive Revelation there are several sets of instructions. In the scriptures we
are told to ask via prayer. That is one of the ways in which to receive revelation.

In Matthew 7:7-8 we are told:

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it
shall be opened.”

Joseph Smith had a question, a worry. He was raised during the second great “Great
Awakening,” or religious revival, in the United States. Much like current political debates, there
were a lot of conflicting voices and he didn’t know where to turn.

He was instructed by James 1:5, on what to do:

“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth
not; and it shall be given him.”

So he turned to Heavenly Father in prayer. A sincere, heartfelt, prayer desiring to simply know
the truth. And Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ answered.

“I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended
gradually until it fell upon me...When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose
brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake
unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the Other--This is My Beloved Son.
Hear Him!”

He, a fourteen year old boy, asked God for an answer, and it changed the world. All of us
either have been fourteen or will be fourteen. So if Heavenly Father was willing to choose
Joseph Smith as His future prophet, what does that say about us as individuals? That Heaven
Father knows us, one by one by one, and He knows our needs and our potential.

So first, in order to receive, you have to ask.

You also have to study it and ponder it in your mind.

You can receive answers through scriptures. The same scripture can be read over and over
and mean something completely different. The same goes for Patriarchal Blessings and regular
 Priesthood Blessings. What means one thing at fourteen might mean something else at 31.

When I was twenty one I wanted to go on a mission. As I prayed the feeling was, “do what you
think is best. It’s your decision.” But when things fell apart my friends’ responses were along the
 lines of, “yeah, I’m not surprised that she didn’t follow through. She doesn’t finish the things
she starts,” I felt intense shame and sorrow.

Until I was in the Jordan River Temple, waiting to do Baptisms for the Dead, and while reading
scriptures ran across one in D&C that told me--directly--that I was forgiven. That my offering
was acceptable, and that I was to go on with my life and not blame myself. This allowed me to
heal enough so that when I got a STRONG prompting four years later to go on a mission, that
I could do it without feeling like I was going to fail again.

Revelation sometimes doesn’t come easily

Sometimes I have had questions and the answer was to wait. Or to make the choice on my
own. Or Heavenly Father simply didn’t give me an answer--just a reassurance that everything
would be okay. There are some things I am still waiting on answers for.

Doctrine and Covenants 9:7-9 records the instance in which Oliver Cowdery wanted to
translate, but found out that receiving revelation was a little more complicated than that.

“Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you
took no thought save it was to ask me.

8 But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask
me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you;
 therefore, you shall feel that it is right.

9 But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought
that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that
which is sacred save it be given you from me.”

Burning in the Bosom.

When most people think of a “Burning in the Bosom” they think of a firey feeling that burns in
your chest. I have only experienced something like that once, and it was in relation to reading
scriptures when I was in High School.

In most cases, it’s not like that. It’s a warmth of joy that feels welcoming and loving. Like
someone has come up to you and given you a hug, or wrapped you in a blanket. That is the
most common feeling of, “burning in the bosom.” It’s a joy of warmth that chases away the
sadness.

Or oftentimes when I go to the temple it’s the feeling that your lungs filling up with air for the
first time. Or a smile on your face that lasts so long that your cheeks hurt and you feel like you
might be stuck that way.

The Burning is Happiness. When the Holy Ghost comes, He brings with Him Happiness.

In that last scripture it also talked about “a stupor of thought.”

For many questions I practically live in the world of, “a stupor of thought.”

A stupor of thought feels like a billion ideas in your head, anxiety, wishy-washiness in your
decision-making, and the inability to focus on any one idea. It can be frustrating, especially
when you are looking for answers, but sometimes that feeling IS the answer.

The opposite is a Clarity of thought.

Where Heavenly Father suddenly gives you the answers you are seeking everything falls into
place, ideas are pumping through your brain, everything makes perfect sense.

That’s how I was led to living in this Ward. After months of anxiety, a friend had an open room
and suddenly everything felt right and I could breathe. I moved forward, full-steam ahead.

This also includes having scriptures pop into your mind as you write talks and prepare to teach
as a missionary! I am terrible at memorization, but Heavenly Father will give me little snippets
of scriptures and stories to share that I otherwise wouldn’t have remembered because of my
crappy memory. This also goes for tests, schoolwork, and important conversations. Even these
small things are examples of Clarity of thought.

Past Saints have seen visions, heard voices, had dreams.

You might say, “those things are dead, they don’t happen in this day and age.” I am a witness
that they do. I know people who have experienced all of the above. I can’t say more than that,
but if the Lord wishes it He will give you all those things, if that is the best way to help you at
that time.

But most Revelation comes through the simple feeling of joy in your heart and clear thoughts in
your mind, all of them a bit too brilliant to have come from you.

This is the “Still Small Voice”

When Elijah was running from the evil princess Jezebel he was told to go to a mountain. While
there he experienced this in 1 Kings 19:11-12:

“And [the Lord] said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord. And, behold, the
Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks
before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the
Lord was not in the earthquake:

And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small
voice.”

My mission was the best place to learn to listen to the Still Small Voice, to recognize when the
Holy Ghost was by my side and directing my work. So that after the mission, even though I
didn’t feel the Spirit as strong or as often, when it appears I stop, I listen, and I act. Because I
know how the Holy Ghost speaks to me.

All these things and more can be received when we ask, study, listen and, what’s more,
are worthy to receive through our obedience and desire to follow God.

What to do when we Receive Personal Revelation

We all have agency. We can either act on our promptings in faith, or we can choose not to. But
there are consequences to both.

I have two stories to explain this.

From the ages of 18 to about 25 I had extreme anxiety.

Certain situations paralyzed me. In this case I was on a bus at the age of 18 or 19. I was
prompted--meaning that the thought came into my mind as a Still Small Voice, backed by a
strong feeling of the Spirit in my chest--multiple times to tell a woman that her hair was
beautiful.

I justified not saying anything, telling myself how awkward it would be. That I couldn’t just
stand up on the bus. That I would talk to her when I got off and say it as I walked by. Then
when she got up and walked off I thought, “see, it wasn’t meant to be. She got off before I
could say anything.”

Immediately after I felt a strong feeling of disappointment. It didn’t come from me--it came from
Heavenly Father. I could feel His sorrow, as He had been trying to work through me to bless
the life of one of His children and I. Hadn’t. Listened.

That feeling of sorrow and disappointment so changed me that I made a vow, then and there,
to act on every prompting to speak to His children, especially where compliments were
concerned. Any good thought is meant to be shared and acted on, whether it is from yourself
or from God.

Missionary age change.

When it happened, I thought, “this is so great for my little sister!” Immediately after that I got a
strong impression, “this means you, too.” I was 25--I was in the middle of college.

I told Heavenly Father, “Alright, I’ll do it. But if you want me to go, you’ve got to help me. I am
out of money and can’t pay for school.”

I was told to take a break for a semester, prompted to write for the college newspaper, and just
make an extra effort at paying my tithing. At the end of that semester it was announced that
there would be a tuition waiver for all Visual Art and Design students, paying for my schooling
up until I got my Associates Degree.

In that instant I got a testimony of the power of tithing and acting on faith in the Lord, following
His promptings with exactness.

You May Feel Like You Don’t Want To Bother Heavenly Father with all Your “Little Problems.”

The scriptures tell us the opposite.

(Alma 34:17-28)

17 Therefore may God grant unto you, my brethren, that ye may begin to exercise your faith
unto repentance, that ye begin to call upon his holy name, that he would have mercy upon you;

18 Yea, cry unto him for mercy; for he is mighty to save.

19 Yea, humble yourselves, and continue in prayer unto him.

20 Cry unto him when ye are in your fields (jobs), yea, over all your flocks (callings/church
responsibilities).

21 Cry unto him in your houses, yea, over all your household, both morning, mid-day, and
evening.

22 Yea, cry unto him against the power of your enemies (bullies and abrasive bosses).

23 Yea, cry unto him against the devil, who is an enemy to all righteousness.

24 Cry unto him over the crops of your fields (your paperwork, dissertations, homework and
finals), that ye may prosper in them.

25 Cry over the flocks of your fields (your children), that they may increase (and grow knowing
that both you and God love them).

26 But this is not all; ye must pour out your souls in your (sometimes-literal) closets, and your
secret places (including libraries and bathrooms, cars and moments before everyone wakes up
in the morning), and in your (the) wilderness (that is your backyard).

27 Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto
him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.

In Pres. Nelson’s talk, mentioned previously, he also says this:

“Through the manifestations of the Holy Ghost, the Lord will assist us in all our righteous
pursuits…”

Referring to Joseph Smith and James 1:5 Pres Nelson Asks:

“What wisdom do you lack? What do you feel an urgent need to know or understand? Follow
the example of the Prophet Joseph. Find a quiet place where you can regularly go. Humble
yourself before God. Pour out your heart to your Heavenly Father. Turn to Him for answers and
for comfort.

Pray in the name of Jesus Christ about your concerns, your fears, your weaknesses—yes, the
very longings of your heart. And then listen! Write the thoughts that come to your mind. Record
your feelings and follow through with actions that you are prompted to take. As you repeat this
process day after day, month after month, year after year, you will “grow into the principle of
revelation.”

Closing

I want to close by stating: all that is important to us, is important to God.

In the film, “Meet the Mormons,” Coach Ken Niumatalolo is quoted as saying:

“I have heard someone tell me at church that...the Lord doesn’t really care about Navy football.
And I think to some extent, that’s true. But I know He’s concerned about me and my family.
This is my job. ...these are my ‘crops.’ ...I’m trying to provide for my family. And, if I lose...I
won’t be able to take care of my family. So I go to the Lord to help me make decisions. Not to
win or lose, but to make decisions.”

The first Prayer I ever remember being answered, was as a child, losing my mother’s ring,
praying to find it, getting a mental image of where to look. If Heavenly Father is willing to
answer the prayer of a child with a lost ring, He is also willing to answer the prayer:

• A 12 to 13-year old who felt lost and alone.
• A 14 year old who didn’t know if she was strong enough to keep her family together.
• A 15 year old who had two peers die that year.
• A 16 year old dealing with PTSD.
• A 17 year old who poured her heart out so that a family friend with HIV could be healed.
• A 21 year old feeling horrible about not being able to go on a mission.
• A 25 year old who was abruptly given the opposite answer!
• A 27 year old who was facing a difficult, wonderful, growing period of 18 months.
• A 28 year old who discovered health issues.
• A 29 year old who came back from Japan to realize that she was different than when she had
  left. And neither she nor her friends knew what to do with that knowledge.
• A 30 year old with reawakened childhood trauma.
• And a 31 year old making a new life for herself, letting go of her YSA comfort zone to attend a
  family ward.

Heavenly Father is in the details of our lives. He loves us, as does our Older Brother, Jesus Christ.
We aren’t alone in our struggles, trials and questions. I have received Personal Revelation throughout
my life, and so anyone can. Because each and every one of us are loved. We have to have faith
enough to ask, faith enough to study, faith enough to ponder and wait and to seek the Lord’s hand.
Then to follow it.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Articles that Show Our Reality

ICE Came for a Tennessee Town's Immigrants. The Town Fought Back. New York Times.

Coco is a Story About Borders and Love is a Definitive Movie for this Moment

On the Border with Photographer John Moore

My Sabbath 15: Long Week

There's been a lot of ups and downs this week.

At the beginning of the week I was feeling VERY antisocial. Some things were bothering me and it had all added up, including details like:

1. Father's Day coming up. Since my Dad was in prison for most of my teenager-to-adult life it's basically like not having a dad. I usually attempt to be optimistic and focus on all the good fathers out there, my guy friends who will eventually become fathers, and all the stand-in father figures who have mended the broken hearts of children/grown children everywhere. Buuuuut last Monday I wasn't wanting to be optimistic--I just wanted to have nothing to do with the holiday. XD ESPECIALLY as Facebook kept sending Father's Day ads my way. Blegh. 
   
2. Summer is the time of romance and engagement. Given that I am 31 years old and was in the Singles Ward for 13 years, I have attended a lot of weddings in my time. But sometimes it's kind of a kick in the pants to see people around you getting engaged right and left, when you are alone and frequently lonely. (Okay, not frequently, frequently. But enough to have waves of sadness creep up on you when you don't expect it.) So I was officially "DONE" with people posting happy engagement pictures on Facebook. I mean, I was always happy for them--they are, after all, my friends--I just wasn't happy for me. :| Moving on past this pity party...
   
   
   
   
3. People rely on me to be strong, and I just couldn't do it. That definitely was the last thing that was the straw which broke the camel's back, to use an old phrase. Lately a couple of people have really relied on me--to be their sounding board, to cheer them up when they are down, to give them advice, to listen to them as they talk about boy drama, to tell them that everything is going to be okay. But no one really does that for me. They just assume that I will continue being optimistic and happy and having the energy and strength to handle everything and everyone. 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

So  I was in a kind of "hate the world" mood. And since one of the flaws of Facebook is that people only show their "perfect, happy faces" to the world I opted to tell the truth for once.

(Not that I don't  normally tell the truth. Typically I really am a happy person. Just not that day. :| )

Several people tried to help me out of it. Unfortunately, many of them are the ones that rely on me for strength and so even a casual conversation can emotionally drain me. Everyone was well-meaning, but, honestly, I just wish that they had respected my wishes and left me alone instead of calling to ask me what was wrong and offer to help me. >__< That was incredibly frustrating.

Except for my little sister. :) She didn't attempt to call me, and I appreciate her for it. She understands what it's like to be so emotionally overloaded that you just can't deal with anyone else's crap anymore. Other people don't understand that as much.

A friend from the mission, however, tried to make sure that I was okay.

His approach was different--it was via messenger, for one, and through the course of our conversation we got down to the meat of the problem and how I felt like my world had been shaken up by a revelation I had received recently. And that it was, in fact, a trial to help me turn to Heavenly Father for help.

That it was an opportunity to trust Him more and turn towards Him for aid. After that dialogue, I was able to have a conversation with someone that I love dearly who I (previously) just didn't have the energy to help. But I Ganbarou-ed (がんばりました！) through it and ultimately we both saw a miracle in the form of me advising them to speak with someone, and then that very person appearing at their house on a whim, following a spiritual prompting! :D  Which helped lift both their mood and mine. :)

The rest of the week was a back and forth between being productive, getting some massive To Do list items done (including tasks that had built up over time since I initially moved into my room in this new Condo) and finishing crafts that have been sitting around for a year or so. Getting those done was very fulfilling and it was either last week or this week that I also got a little bit of writing done, which makes me happy. :D

Mid-week, though, I was plagued by some of my personal demons, followed by feelings of inadequacy and shame. But I have been working on that since then and things are getting better. (Once again, がんばります！)

Then on Saturday my Roommate Liz and I went to Logan for their SUMMERFEST! :D It's something I used to go to every year as a child, growing up in Logan, Utah. She had never seen the area, so we drove on up and enjoyed the scenery and went to all the booths and took photos and ate great food. I also purchased a hand-made mug, as I always do at festivals, and some card prints of an artist who creates landscape illustrations using oil paint and embroidery floss! :D her ability to create Aerial Perspective using embroidery is absolutely brilliant, so I ended up purchasing a full set of six (as I am too poor to buy multiple prints, and this way I can add to my collection of cards of fine art from the Getty Museum and other places. :) ).

The fun part about having multiple images is that you have the means to give some away to your friends! :D

So the week ended up on a high note, even if the beginning of the week was a trial. But things ended up okay.

Plus now today is my brother's birthday! :D A TRUE reason for me to celebrate. <3

My Sabbath 15: Mom's House

Recently I've decided that I want to try to journal at least 15 minutes every Sunday. But when I went searching for my spare journals (I have a tendency to pick up extra journals and things in preparation for the future) I realized that either I was out or I had misplaced them.

So this is my next best option. :)

I've never been great at hand-writing journals, anyway, and I am a much faster typist so this works for the best.

Soooooo.

What to write about. :/

Last week I was able to visit my mother. She was having a rather nerve-wracking doctors appointment and needed the support so, given that I work with a school and therefore get summers off, I dropped everything to hang out with her for a week.

What resulted is, well, kinda boring. I stayed up, reading fanfiction mostly, slept in each day (I won't tell you how late that was), and got "ready for the day" just a couple hours before my mom got off work. XD

So. Not highly productive. I was going to do a whole bunch of writing, taking advantage of the silence and solitude provided me, but instead ending up just relaxing and unwinding and doing chores for my mom around the house. When she came home each night we would do something together, whether it was grocery shopping or renting a RedBox movie, and it was simple and relaxing and full of lots of conversation opportunities.

Which was really nice, actually. I have been pretty much going non-stop since January. From that point onward I have had coworkers go on vacation, then systematically get sick, followed by ME getting sick, then having to prepare for my best friend's wedding AND me moving allinthesameweekend (*mental scream*).

Plus there was how I had to transition into being in a new condo with new roommates, a new ward, while coming to accept the fact that I have officially "Aged Out" of the Young Single Adult Ward (Congregation)...

(Here's a semi-accurate [and very cheesy] movie about what a Singles Ward is like...please pardon the fact that it came out over a decade ago...)

Which wasn't too bad--I was truly ready to move on and try the "Next Big Adventure."

Until I realized that most of my friends and my support system exist within the YSA bubble. And now I would have to make new friends in the Family Ward. :|

After conquering THAT little bit of stress, one of my coworkers got deathly sick right before the last two weeks of school, in a time frame where the teacher was also preparing to retire.

SO. YOU COULD SAY THAT IT'S BEEN A LONG FIVE TO SIX MONTHS.

Therefore, me vegging out at my mom's place for a single week is nothing to complain about. I am really, honestly, quite grateful. :)

And now I can get back on track and be productive! :D

I received the responsibility of working with the young women in the Family Ward (these responsibilities are known as "Callings" within The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints/LDS Church/Mormon Church. Some are short-term, some are long-term, some of them you don't get 'released' from until you either move or after several years have passed).

To be honest, I am SUPER-STOKED about it. The main thing I missed when being in a YSA Ward was the lack of children and youth, and in all honesty, I prefer being around younger people to being around adults. Sad fact, but 100% true. I was just made to understand and get along with kids--it's how I roll. ;-)

The knowledge that I have summers off works out great with this, as well, given that I can attend Summer Camp without getting time off of work, and that my evenings will always be free so long as I continue to work for the State. :)

Booya!

Also, here's a trailer for a cheesy LDS film made about Girls Camp. It's actually a pretty good film. *nods sagely* And fairly accurate... XD

Today I received a second Calling, however, that is an interesting addition. I have wanted to become more involved in Singles Activities within the Mid-Singles age range. It's very lonely being maybe one of three within our Ward, and a handful within our Stake (a multi-congregational area). The only problem is that 1. I am not super focused or motivated, and 2. I'm not really sure where to start. :/

Well, today I was Called to serve as one of two Stake Single Adult Representatives. Basically, we keep our eye on the state of the Single Adults and meet with a member of the Stake High Council (one of the ecclesiastical leaders of the Stake board) to plan activities. It's a "once a month" kind of thing. :)

Which I can definitely do. :D I'm not sure how, but I will figure it out. Especially with a lot of prayer and the Lord on my side.

I'm pretty excited about this summer and I am going to do my best to get as much done while participating in these organizations. :)

Wish me luck!

Body Image

I have been thinking a lot about body image and overall self confidence, lately.

When I was younger I had quite a few issues with comparing myself to others. One big problem was that I was never as thin or beautiful as my friends and loved ones. Even now I am still short, round-faced and untraditionally pretty (“adorable” is the adjective I get the most). But Comparisons really are the thieves of joy, especially at that age.

Then, when I was fourteen, I had an epiphany. I realized that all women are beautiful. They just needed to emphasize their best traits, whether through clothing or accessories or hair style. (A kind of simplified viewpoint.)

This concept lasted with me for a while before self-consciousness once again ate at me. Particularly after puberty hit me hard. And not in a good way.

Years later, after living with the shame of being extraordinarily hairy due to PCOS, I realized when starting out as a college student that no one really noticed me at all, therefore no one really cares about what you look like. You'd think that it would be an isolating concept, but it was actually quite freeing, the concept that people are more worried about themselves, their lives, and their stresses than whether or not the people around them are beautiful.

It was at that point that I accepted myself, short stature and hair and rounded form and all.

This was when I turned 18-19.

Years later, at age 27, as I served a full time proselytizing mission in Japan for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I was informed once again by people at large that my hairiness was not socially acceptable (in Japan) and that for people to be willing to hear my message I would have to get rid of it. I took another hit to my self confidence, then. I had accepted this aspect of my form as part of “who I was” and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to part with it.

This could have been a debilitating experience—I could have taken on the mentality that the way I was wasn’t “good enough,” for the country I was in and the work I was doing.

But the opposite ended up happening. I realized that I was more than my body and my appearance. Whether I was hairy or not didn’t change the nature of my heart and soul. And my focus shifted—was I willing to give up my pride for the sake of a higher purpose?

So I did. And I haven’t looked back. Even now I go through the long process over and over again to maintain my appearance, and dress nicely on top of everything else (another side effect of living in Japan).

But I am doing it for me, and not for anyone else.

And when I want to dress casual, to wear sarcastic T-shirts and baggy clothes, I don't feel guilty about it. When I want to look pretty, I dress pretty. When I want to be comfortable, I dress comfortably. I wear makeup when I want to and go without most of the time. But there is no shame in either option, and I don't fear leaving the house devoid of makeup.

That, there, is the answer to body image. Are we doing it out of the expectations of others and the world at large, or because we love ourselves and just want to be better?

I may not be the thinnest right now, but I do feel healthy and happy. :) I may not have the features of a model but I do like my eyes and my smile and my current haircut. :)

I am a short 31-year old and have the body and appearance of a short 31-year old and that’s okay—I will never be in my twenties again, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t still be happy in the life and body I am living in.

I have come to the conclusion that the best way to emphasize our beauty (inside and out) is by “accessorizing” with confidence in who we are and joy in the life we live.

The main comparisons you make should involve comparing who you are now to who you were previously.

So you might say, “I am healthier than I was a year ago,” “I am more skilled than I was when I started college,” or “I am happier and more involved in my community than I was five years ago.”

Everyone is at different levels and stages, so if you look at others and say, “oh, I wish I was as beautiful and thin as they are,” or, “my portfolio sucks compared to theirs,” then you’ll get discouraged and negative about your own abilities and appearance.

Instead work on the best person that YOU can be.

No one else’s opinion matters more than your own. After all, whose life is it that you’re living? :)

I Am What I Am

Life becomes a lot easier when you realize that you are not a crazy, ditsy clutz who can’t remember/do anything right and freaks out about changes in schedule or change in general in ways that make no sense.  And that you are, in actuality, someone with ADHD that has ADHD and PTSD-related Anxiety issues (and some apparently ADHD-related OCD tendencies. Because apparently that’s a thing).

Healing

I’ve been thinking about injuries lately.

A coworker of mine was out on sick leave for several weeks due to pneumonia and accidentally pulling a muscle when she was coughing. It’s frustrating to her because a year ago she got seriously hurt in roughly the same area. Plus she has a fiercely independent spirit, so being so held back by something outside of her control is frustrating.

Similarly, another coworker hurt her shoulder over the summer, my roommate had two car accidents three weeks apart over a year ago and has neck damage, and I got a bad sprain over my mission that took three-four weeks to heal which I sprained again recently. On top of that, every now and again it hurts again and is weak.

All it takes is for me to step on my ankle wrong.

Really, for all of us healing has or will end up taking a long time and we will probably always have some damage. Especially if we use that muscle repeatedly without letting it rest. (Like my feet--which are used for an excessive amount of walking. I'm a Pedestrian for the most part. :| )

It made me think about how our emotional and spiritual healing (and even interpersonal relationship healing) are just like our physical healing.

Growing up with a father who was a manipulative abuser, there will always be parts of me that hurts and is weak. There will be times when I "re-injure" myself through unhealthy relationships or boundaries, or when I just "step on it wrong" through triggers that set off memories and addictive patterns of behavior.

But I'll just have to do the same thing for my inner self that I do for my outer self.

Take a pain pill. Massage till the chemical trapped in my muscles are released. Then wear a supportive band around the ankle and foot. Not a cast, per se (things aren't that bad), but a band. Then carefully continue walking.