ICE Came for a Tennessee Town's Immigrants. The Town Fought Back. New York Times.
Coco is a Story About Borders and Love is a Definitive Movie for this Moment
On the Border with Photographer John Moore
Thursday, June 21, 2018
Sunday, June 17, 2018
My Sabbath 15: Long Week
There's been a lot of ups and downs this week.
At the beginning of the week I was feeling VERY antisocial. Some things were bothering me and it had all added up, including details like:
(Not that I don't normally tell the truth. Typically I really am a happy person. Just not that day. :| )
Several people tried to help me out of it. Unfortunately, many of them are the ones that rely on me for strength and so even a casual conversation can emotionally drain me. Everyone was well-meaning, but, honestly, I just wish that they had respected my wishes and left me alone instead of calling to ask me what was wrong and offer to help me. >__< That was incredibly frustrating.
Except for my little sister. :) She didn't attempt to call me, and I appreciate her for it. She understands what it's like to be so emotionally overloaded that you just can't deal with anyone else's crap anymore. Other people don't understand that as much.
A friend from the mission, however, tried to make sure that I was okay.
His approach was different--it was via messenger, for one, and through the course of our conversation we got down to the meat of the problem and how I felt like my world had been shaken up by a revelation I had received recently. And that it was, in fact, a trial to help me turn to Heavenly Father for help.
That it was an opportunity to trust Him more and turn towards Him for aid. After that dialogue, I was able to have a conversation with someone that I love dearly who I (previously) just didn't have the energy to help. But I Ganbarou-ed (がんばりました！) through it and ultimately we both saw a miracle in the form of me advising them to speak with someone, and then that very person appearing at their house on a whim, following a spiritual prompting! :D Which helped lift both their mood and mine. :)
The rest of the week was a back and forth between being productive, getting some massive To Do list items done (including tasks that had built up over time since I initially moved into my room in this new Condo) and finishing crafts that have been sitting around for a year or so. Getting those done was very fulfilling and it was either last week or this week that I also got a little bit of writing done, which makes me happy. :D
Mid-week, though, I was plagued by some of my personal demons, followed by feelings of inadequacy and shame. But I have been working on that since then and things are getting better. (Once again, がんばります！)
Then on Saturday my Roommate Liz and I went to Logan for their SUMMERFEST! :D It's something I used to go to every year as a child, growing up in Logan, Utah. She had never seen the area, so we drove on up and enjoyed the scenery and went to all the booths and took photos and ate great food. I also purchased a hand-made mug, as I always do at festivals, and some card prints of an artist who creates landscape illustrations using oil paint and embroidery floss! :D her ability to create Aerial Perspective using embroidery is absolutely brilliant, so I ended up purchasing a full set of six (as I am too poor to buy multiple prints, and this way I can add to my collection of cards of fine art from the Getty Museum and other places. :) ).
The fun part about having multiple images is that you have the means to give some away to your friends! :D
So the week ended up on a high note, even if the beginning of the week was a trial. But things ended up okay.
Plus now today is my brother's birthday! :D A TRUE reason for me to celebrate. <3
At the beginning of the week I was feeling VERY antisocial. Some things were bothering me and it had all added up, including details like:
- Father's Day coming up. Since my Dad was in prison for most of my teenager-to-adult life it's basically like not having a dad. I usually attempt to be optimistic and focus on all the good fathers out there, my guy friends who will eventually become fathers, and all the stand-in father figures who have mended the broken hearts of children/grown children everywhere. Buuuuut last Monday I wasn't wanting to be optimistic--I just wanted to have nothing to do with the holiday. XD ESPECIALLY as Facebook kept sending Father's Day ads my way. Blegh.
- Summer is the time of romance and engagement. Given that I am 31 years old and was in the Singles Ward for 13 years, I have attended a lot of weddings in my time. But sometimes it's kind of a kick in the pants to see people around you getting engaged right and left, when you are alone and frequently lonely. (Okay, not frequently, frequently. But enough to have waves of sadness creep up on you when you don't expect it.) So I was officially "DONE" with people posting happy engagement pictures on Facebook. I mean, I was always happy for them--they are, after all, my friends--I just wasn't happy for me. :| Moving on past this pity party...
- People rely on me to be strong, and I just couldn't do it. That definitely was the last thing that was the straw which broke the camel's back, to use an old phrase. Lately a couple of people have really relied on me--to be their sounding board, to cheer them up when they are down, to give them advice, to listen to them as they talk about boy drama, to tell them that everything is going to be okay. But no one really does that for me. They just assume that I will continue being optimistic and happy and having the energy and strength to handle everything and everyone.
(Not that I don't normally tell the truth. Typically I really am a happy person. Just not that day. :| )
Several people tried to help me out of it. Unfortunately, many of them are the ones that rely on me for strength and so even a casual conversation can emotionally drain me. Everyone was well-meaning, but, honestly, I just wish that they had respected my wishes and left me alone instead of calling to ask me what was wrong and offer to help me. >__< That was incredibly frustrating.
Except for my little sister. :) She didn't attempt to call me, and I appreciate her for it. She understands what it's like to be so emotionally overloaded that you just can't deal with anyone else's crap anymore. Other people don't understand that as much.
A friend from the mission, however, tried to make sure that I was okay.
His approach was different--it was via messenger, for one, and through the course of our conversation we got down to the meat of the problem and how I felt like my world had been shaken up by a revelation I had received recently. And that it was, in fact, a trial to help me turn to Heavenly Father for help.
The rest of the week was a back and forth between being productive, getting some massive To Do list items done (including tasks that had built up over time since I initially moved into my room in this new Condo) and finishing crafts that have been sitting around for a year or so. Getting those done was very fulfilling and it was either last week or this week that I also got a little bit of writing done, which makes me happy. :D
Mid-week, though, I was plagued by some of my personal demons, followed by feelings of inadequacy and shame. But I have been working on that since then and things are getting better. (Once again, がんばります！)
Then on Saturday my Roommate Liz and I went to Logan for their SUMMERFEST! :D It's something I used to go to every year as a child, growing up in Logan, Utah. She had never seen the area, so we drove on up and enjoyed the scenery and went to all the booths and took photos and ate great food. I also purchased a hand-made mug, as I always do at festivals, and some card prints of an artist who creates landscape illustrations using oil paint and embroidery floss! :D her ability to create Aerial Perspective using embroidery is absolutely brilliant, so I ended up purchasing a full set of six (as I am too poor to buy multiple prints, and this way I can add to my collection of cards of fine art from the Getty Museum and other places. :) ).
The fun part about having multiple images is that you have the means to give some away to your friends! :D
So the week ended up on a high note, even if the beginning of the week was a trial. But things ended up okay.
Plus now today is my brother's birthday! :D A TRUE reason for me to celebrate. <3
Sunday, June 10, 2018
My Sabbath 15: Mom's House
Recently I've decided that I want to try to journal at least 15 minutes every Sunday. But when I went searching for my spare journals (I have a tendency to pick up extra journals and things in preparation for the future) I realized that either I was out or I had misplaced them.
So this is my next best option. :)
I've never been great at hand-writing journals, anyway, and I am a much faster typist so this works for the best.
Soooooo.
What to write about. :/
Last week I was able to visit my mother. She was having a rather nerve-wracking doctors appointment and needed the support so, given that I work with a school and therefore get summers off, I dropped everything to hang out with her for a week.
What resulted is, well, kinda boring. I stayed up, reading fanfiction mostly, slept in each day (I won't tell you how late that was), and got "ready for the day" just a couple hours before my mom got off work. XD
So. Not highly productive. I was going to do a whole bunch of writing, taking advantage of the silence and solitude provided me, but instead ending up just relaxing and unwinding and doing chores for my mom around the house. When she came home each night we would do something together, whether it was grocery shopping or renting a RedBox movie, and it was simple and relaxing and full of lots of conversation opportunities.
Which was really nice, actually. I have been pretty much going non-stop since January. From that point onward I have had coworkers go on vacation, then systematically get sick, followed by ME getting sick, then having to prepare for my best friend's wedding AND me moving allinthesameweekend (*mental scream*).
Plus there was how I had to transition into being in a new condo with new roommates, a new ward, while coming to accept the fact that I have officially "Aged Out" of the Young Single Adult Ward (Congregation)...
(Here's a semi-accurate [and very cheesy] movie about what a Singles Ward is like...please pardon the fact that it came out over a decade ago...)
Which wasn't too bad--I was truly ready to move on and try the "Next Big Adventure."
Until I realized that most of my friends and my support system exist within the YSA bubble. And now I would have to make new friends in the Family Ward. :|
After conquering THAT little bit of stress, one of my coworkers got deathly sick right before the last two weeks of school, in a time frame where the teacher was also preparing to retire.
SO. YOU COULD SAY THAT IT'S BEEN A LONG FIVE TO SIX MONTHS.
Therefore, me vegging out at my mom's place for a single week is nothing to complain about. I am really, honestly, quite grateful. :)
And now I can get back on track and be productive! :D
I received the responsibility of working with the young women in the Family Ward (these responsibilities are known as "Callings" within The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints/LDS Church/Mormon Church. Some are short-term, some are long-term, some of them you don't get 'released' from until you either move or after several years have passed).
To be honest, I am SUPER-STOKED about it. The main thing I missed when being in a YSA Ward was the lack of children and youth, and in all honesty, I prefer being around younger people to being around adults. Sad fact, but 100% true. I was just made to understand and get along with kids--it's how I roll. ;-)
The knowledge that I have summers off works out great with this, as well, given that I can attend Summer Camp without getting time off of work, and that my evenings will always be free so long as I continue to work for the State. :)
Booya!
Also, here's a trailer for a cheesy LDS film made about Girls Camp. It's actually a pretty good film. *nods sagely* And fairly accurate... XD
Today I received a second Calling, however, that is an interesting addition. I have wanted to become more involved in Singles Activities within the Mid-Singles age range. It's very lonely being maybe one of three within our Ward, and a handful within our Stake (a multi-congregational area). The only problem is that 1. I am not super focused or motivated, and 2. I'm not really sure where to start. :/
Well, today I was Called to serve as one of two Stake Single Adult Representatives. Basically, we keep our eye on the state of the Single Adults and meet with a member of the Stake High Council (one of the ecclesiastical leaders of the Stake board) to plan activities. It's a "once a month" kind of thing. :)
Which I can definitely do. :D I'm not sure how, but I will figure it out. Especially with a lot of prayer and the Lord on my side.
I'm pretty excited about this summer and I am going to do my best to get as much done while participating in these organizations. :)
Wish me luck!
So this is my next best option. :)
I've never been great at hand-writing journals, anyway, and I am a much faster typist so this works for the best.
Soooooo.
What to write about. :/
Last week I was able to visit my mother. She was having a rather nerve-wracking doctors appointment and needed the support so, given that I work with a school and therefore get summers off, I dropped everything to hang out with her for a week.
What resulted is, well, kinda boring. I stayed up, reading fanfiction mostly, slept in each day (I won't tell you how late that was), and got "ready for the day" just a couple hours before my mom got off work. XD
So. Not highly productive. I was going to do a whole bunch of writing, taking advantage of the silence and solitude provided me, but instead ending up just relaxing and unwinding and doing chores for my mom around the house. When she came home each night we would do something together, whether it was grocery shopping or renting a RedBox movie, and it was simple and relaxing and full of lots of conversation opportunities.
Which was really nice, actually. I have been pretty much going non-stop since January. From that point onward I have had coworkers go on vacation, then systematically get sick, followed by ME getting sick, then having to prepare for my best friend's wedding AND me moving allinthesameweekend (*mental scream*).
Plus there was how I had to transition into being in a new condo with new roommates, a new ward, while coming to accept the fact that I have officially "Aged Out" of the Young Single Adult Ward (Congregation)...
(Here's a semi-accurate [and very cheesy] movie about what a Singles Ward is like...please pardon the fact that it came out over a decade ago...)
Which wasn't too bad--I was truly ready to move on and try the "Next Big Adventure."
Until I realized that most of my friends and my support system exist within the YSA bubble. And now I would have to make new friends in the Family Ward. :|
After conquering THAT little bit of stress, one of my coworkers got deathly sick right before the last two weeks of school, in a time frame where the teacher was also preparing to retire.
SO. YOU COULD SAY THAT IT'S BEEN A LONG FIVE TO SIX MONTHS.
Therefore, me vegging out at my mom's place for a single week is nothing to complain about. I am really, honestly, quite grateful. :)
And now I can get back on track and be productive! :D
I received the responsibility of working with the young women in the Family Ward (these responsibilities are known as "Callings" within The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints/LDS Church/Mormon Church. Some are short-term, some are long-term, some of them you don't get 'released' from until you either move or after several years have passed).
To be honest, I am SUPER-STOKED about it. The main thing I missed when being in a YSA Ward was the lack of children and youth, and in all honesty, I prefer being around younger people to being around adults. Sad fact, but 100% true. I was just made to understand and get along with kids--it's how I roll. ;-)
The knowledge that I have summers off works out great with this, as well, given that I can attend Summer Camp without getting time off of work, and that my evenings will always be free so long as I continue to work for the State. :)
Booya!
Also, here's a trailer for a cheesy LDS film made about Girls Camp. It's actually a pretty good film. *nods sagely* And fairly accurate... XD
Today I received a second Calling, however, that is an interesting addition. I have wanted to become more involved in Singles Activities within the Mid-Singles age range. It's very lonely being maybe one of three within our Ward, and a handful within our Stake (a multi-congregational area). The only problem is that 1. I am not super focused or motivated, and 2. I'm not really sure where to start. :/
Well, today I was Called to serve as one of two Stake Single Adult Representatives. Basically, we keep our eye on the state of the Single Adults and meet with a member of the Stake High Council (one of the ecclesiastical leaders of the Stake board) to plan activities. It's a "once a month" kind of thing. :)
Which I can definitely do. :D I'm not sure how, but I will figure it out. Especially with a lot of prayer and the Lord on my side.
I'm pretty excited about this summer and I am going to do my best to get as much done while participating in these organizations. :)
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
Body Image
I have been thinking a lot about body image and overall self confidence, lately.
When I was younger I had quite a few issues with comparing myself to others. One big problem was that I was never as thin or beautiful as my friends and loved ones. Even now I am still short, round-faced and untraditionally pretty (“adorable” is the adjective I get the most). But Comparisons really are the thieves of joy, especially at that age.
Then, when I was fourteen, I had an epiphany. I realized that all women are beautiful. They just needed to emphasize their best traits, whether through clothing or accessories or hair style. (A kind of simplified viewpoint.)
This concept lasted with me for a while before self-consciousness once again ate at me. Particularly after puberty hit me hard. And not in a good way.
Years later, after living with the shame of being extraordinarily hairy due to PCOS, I realized when starting out as a college student that no one really noticed me at all, therefore no one really cares about what you look like. You'd think that it would be an isolating concept, but it was actually quite freeing, the concept that people are more worried about themselves, their lives, and their stresses than whether or not the people around them are beautiful.
It was at that point that I accepted myself, short stature and hair and rounded form and all.
This was when I turned 18-19.
This was when I turned 18-19.
Years later, at age 27, as I served a full time proselytizing mission in Japan for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I was informed once again by people at large that my hairiness was not socially acceptable (in Japan) and that for people to be willing to hear my message I would have to get rid of it. I took another hit to my self confidence, then. I had accepted this aspect of my form as part of “who I was” and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to part with it.
This could have been a debilitating experience—I could have taken on the mentality that the way I was wasn’t “good enough,” for the country I was in and the work I was doing.
But the opposite ended up happening. I realized that I was more than my body and my appearance. Whether I was hairy or not didn’t change the nature of my heart and soul. And my focus shifted—was I willing to give up my pride for the sake of a higher purpose?
So I did. And I haven’t looked back. Even now I go through the long process over and over again to maintain my appearance, and dress nicely on top of everything else (another side effect of living in Japan).
But I am doing it for me, and not for anyone else.
And when I want to dress casual, to wear sarcastic T-shirts and baggy clothes, I don't feel guilty about it. When I want to look pretty, I dress pretty. When I want to be comfortable, I dress comfortably. I wear makeup when I want to and go without most of the time. But there is no shame in either option, and I don't fear leaving the house devoid of makeup.
And when I want to dress casual, to wear sarcastic T-shirts and baggy clothes, I don't feel guilty about it. When I want to look pretty, I dress pretty. When I want to be comfortable, I dress comfortably. I wear makeup when I want to and go without most of the time. But there is no shame in either option, and I don't fear leaving the house devoid of makeup.
That, there, is the answer to body image. Are we doing it out of the expectations of others and the world at large, or because we love ourselves and just want to be better?
I may not be the thinnest right now, but I do feel healthy and happy. :) I may not have the features of a model but I do like my eyes and my smile and my current haircut. :)
I am a short 31-year old and have the body and appearance of a short 31-year old and that’s okay—I will never be in my twenties again, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t still be happy in the life and body I am living in.
I have come to the conclusion that the best way to emphasize our beauty (inside and out) is by “accessorizing” with confidence in who we are and joy in the life we live.
The main comparisons you make should involve comparing who you are now to who you were previously.
So you might say, “I am healthier than I was a year ago,” “I am more skilled than I was when I started college,” or “I am happier and more involved in my community than I was five years ago.”
Everyone is at different levels and stages, so if you look at others and say, “oh, I wish I was as beautiful and thin as they are,” or, “my portfolio sucks compared to theirs,” then you’ll get discouraged and negative about your own abilities and appearance.
Instead work on the best person that YOU can be.
No one else’s opinion matters more than your own. After all, whose life is it that you’re living? :)
Monday, May 14, 2018
I Am What I Am
Life becomes a lot easier when you realize that you are not a crazy, ditsy clutz who can’t remember/do anything right and freaks out about changes in schedule or change in general in ways that make no sense. And that you are, in actuality, someone with ADHD that has ADHD and PTSD-related Anxiety issues (and some apparently ADHD-related OCD tendencies. Because apparently that’s a thing).
Friday, February 2, 2018
Healing
I’ve been thinking about injuries lately.
A coworker of mine was out on sick leave for several weeks due to pneumonia and accidentally pulling a muscle when she was coughing. It’s frustrating to her because a year ago she got seriously hurt in roughly the same area. Plus she has a fiercely independent spirit, so being so held back by something outside of her control is frustrating.
Similarly, another coworker hurt her shoulder over the summer, my roommate had two car accidents three weeks apart over a year ago and has neck damage, and I got a bad sprain over my mission that took three-four weeks to heal which I sprained again recently. On top of that, every now and again it hurts again and is weak.
All it takes is for me to step on my ankle wrong.
Really, for all of us healing has or will end up taking a long time and we will probably always have some damage. Especially if we use that muscle repeatedly without letting it rest. (Like my feet--which are used for an excessive amount of walking. I'm a Pedestrian for the most part. :| )
It made me think about how our emotional and spiritual healing (and even interpersonal relationship healing) are just like our physical healing.
Growing up with a father who was a manipulative abuser, there will always be parts of me that hurts and is weak. There will be times when I "re-injure" myself through unhealthy relationships or boundaries, or when I just "step on it wrong" through triggers that set off memories and addictive patterns of behavior.
But I'll just have to do the same thing for my inner self that I do for my outer self.
Take a pain pill. Massage till the chemical trapped in my muscles are released. Then wear a supportive band around the ankle and foot. Not a cast, per se (things aren't that bad), but a band. Then carefully continue walking.
A coworker of mine was out on sick leave for several weeks due to pneumonia and accidentally pulling a muscle when she was coughing. It’s frustrating to her because a year ago she got seriously hurt in roughly the same area. Plus she has a fiercely independent spirit, so being so held back by something outside of her control is frustrating.
Similarly, another coworker hurt her shoulder over the summer, my roommate had two car accidents three weeks apart over a year ago and has neck damage, and I got a bad sprain over my mission that took three-four weeks to heal which I sprained again recently. On top of that, every now and again it hurts again and is weak.
All it takes is for me to step on my ankle wrong.
Really, for all of us healing has or will end up taking a long time and we will probably always have some damage. Especially if we use that muscle repeatedly without letting it rest. (Like my feet--which are used for an excessive amount of walking. I'm a Pedestrian for the most part. :| )
It made me think about how our emotional and spiritual healing (and even interpersonal relationship healing) are just like our physical healing.
Growing up with a father who was a manipulative abuser, there will always be parts of me that hurts and is weak. There will be times when I "re-injure" myself through unhealthy relationships or boundaries, or when I just "step on it wrong" through triggers that set off memories and addictive patterns of behavior.
But I'll just have to do the same thing for my inner self that I do for my outer self.
Take a pain pill. Massage till the chemical trapped in my muscles are released. Then wear a supportive band around the ankle and foot. Not a cast, per se (things aren't that bad), but a band. Then carefully continue walking.
Friday, October 27, 2017
Thoughts from the Couch
One of my favorite cartoons growing up was, "Hey Arnold." It was a fun show, with interesting plots. But what I didn't quite realize then was that it handled deep subjects--things like loss, war, abandonment issues, sibling rivalries, and the need to be loved and accepted--in a way that was both poignant and funny.
One of the deepest characters in the series was Helga G. (Geraldine) Pataki. Her father owns his own business, "Bob's Beeper Emporium," and is rude, egotistical, prideful, and verbally abusive. Her mild-mannered mother, Miriam, is a closet alcoholic, drinking her "smoothies" whenever Bob gets too overbearing, even though (as showcased in one episode) she is actually quite intelligent and competent.
Both compare their second daughter, Helga, to their perfect older daughter, Olga. Olga, in college (while Helga is 10 years old), has done and seen everything. She gets straight A's, is brilliant on the piano, and has numerous beaus. She's also a do-gooder and loves to serve those who are disadvantaged. (She is also the only one in Helga's family that notices and appreciates her. But it's a bitter pill to swallow, given her saccharine nature and how Helga is forced to stand in her shadow.)
Suffice to say, Helga has a lot going against her. Throw in her stalkerish obsessive love with the one (other) person to show her unconditional affection, Arnold, even after persistent bullying and you get a real headcase.
It's not really a surprise that Helga ends up on The Couch.
Here's a tiny clip of their interactions.
Although, admittedly, I don't really sit/lay on a couch. It's just an armchair, and we face one another direction. Plus she has a bowl of snacks between us on a side table.
In any case, I've been seeing a therapist since about...May-ish? Maybe June-ish. I'm not sure.
But some of the things being discussed have been:
There's been a boatload of learning about correct boundaries--which seems like it's a simple thing, but really...it's not. :| Especially when I start realizing that because of the fact that I trust no one outside of my very immediate circle, my boundaries are too exclusive. While with my family my boundaries are too loose--I have a hard time saying no and have a tendency to be the mediator and to fix everyone's problems. :| And what about the friends that I let walk all over me?
It's a bit of a problem. So boundaries are important. Things like saying, "no, you can't text me after ten p.m. I have to get up for work at five a.m." And, "you've said that a lot over the years, and in the past I've just let it go. Did you know that when you say that it actually hurts my feelings? Could you please stop?" Stuff like that.
There are also problems with anxiety.
Which certainly explains the sudden breakdowns from my mission, how riding the bus outside of my usual route utterly paralyzed me pre-mission, plus the moments when I snap at people in anger...as a result of rising anxiety that I can't express or explain until it's abruptly overflowing and I can't controlitandaaaaaaaaaaah!
Now I'm learning how to voice that I'm feeling anxiety, and that I need a moment. I am also realizing that a lot of anxiety comes from a lack of control in my environment. Including being put into a position where I have the inability to say no. This parallels my childhood trauma, and how I was unable to say no towards a trusted adult.
I am trying to learn to adapt to a changing environment, and, when I am unable to do so, distancing myself until I can "reset" my emotional well-being.
Also (bringing it back to boundaries) saying 'no' when too much is requested of me or someone tries to badger me into doing something I don't want to do.
My childhood trauma has even leaked it's way into my relationships, but specifically romantic ones, which certainly explains the irrational fear I felt towards all men as a teenager...
...the way I avoided the guys I liked...
...the panicking I start doing when a guy becomes too serious...
... and how (after the third, fourth, or fifth date) I always end up self-sabotaging myself. Finding all the reasons why we won't and can't be together, or are ill-matched.
So there you go, a true explanation for all the chaos I wreaked in the lives of what few men I have dated!
Yep, it all makes sense now.
In any case, working on all of these things at once (or in waves) has led me to feeling like I am scattered. That I am all over the place, and so are my responses.
Before my breakdown around my 30th birthday, in March, I thought that I was pretty put together. And now I feel like I am not put together at all these days. It's a really difficult feeling. And, in response to that chaotic feeling, this last weekend as I was working on a Family History pamphlet (titled the "My Family" booklet) when I got to the "about me" page I froze.
I could easily fill in the section about my interests and hobbies, but in the "what would you like others to know about you" section I drew a blank. I have always based my worth on what I can do--the things I can create and the good that I do for others.
But I couldn't figure out who I...AM.
Which is a rather strange dilemma. It got bad enough, that I went through and finished every other aspect of the booklet except for that section, saving it for last. Then I finally wrote in that spot, "I'm not entirely sure who I am. I am still trying to figure that out..." something along those lines, then I talked about the things I love. Kids. Family. Service. Friendship. Etc.
In my therapy readings they actually talk about how this sense of self--or lack thereof--is actually very common among abuse and/or trauma victims. They lose an understanding of who they really are in the effort to become a chameleon, catering themselves to those around them. For example, if a child knows that their parent is more likely to hit them if they whine, then they learn not to whine, and to be very...very...quiet. This also goes for things like having bad grades--they learn to be very good at school, whether they like it or not.
In my situation I used books as both a defense and a distraction. If I was reading I had an excuse to stay away from my father--"no, I don't want to watch that movie with the family. I am reading a good book right now,"--and an escape from the world I lived in. The reality in books became more real to me than my own reality. I almost felt like a player in my own story, able to step back and watch things going on without participating, myself.
I was in survival mode. And then, when Dad went into prison, all the energy that would have gone into developing instead went towards (again) surviving in an "adult" role, acting as my mother's support and being the child "in charge" as my sister broke down, my brother broke out in anger, and my two other siblings felt loss and confusion.
Surviving puts you in a position where the energy that would be normally spent on Developing appropriately instead gets diverted.
(This is the most accurate image I could find. (Plus I work with blind children, so I'm totally okay with the choice. :) ). And it's really a very similar scenario. Having dealt with childhood trauma is, in many ways, akin to having an emotional disability.)
(Here are some quick videos that discuss if we saw physical illness the way that we see mental illness.)
(This second video, by Buzzfeed, has two swearwords in it, but they are both said under their breath, so if you turn off the subtitles I guarantee that you won't notice...because I also missed it at first but did a double-take when reading the subtitles. O__o )
Anyway! Back on target.
When all your being is focused on surviving, only a minute amount of developing occurs. Which effectively puts all development in that age range on the back burner. Then, as an adult, you will spend the rest of your life trying to achieve the finalization of those stages of development.
The result is that all those teenager years that should have been spent learning about myself, my likes and dislikes, experimenting with hair color and hanging out with friends without the anxiety of responsibility, plus learning how to healthily interact with the opposite gender...never happened.
So any time in our therapy sessions--both individual and group--I have to remind myself that it wasn't my inner child that is having all the problems. It's my inner pre-adolescent, adolescent, and teenager.
The result is that I'm starting to deal with it...now. Which is very confusing. :| Especially among the guy friends who are like, "you've always been like ________, and now you are acting all weird. What's up?" And, much like a teenager, things that normally (when they bugged me) I would sweep aside in order to keep the peace are suddenly becoming Really Important Boundary Issues.
Basically I'm a big ball of confusion and anxiety. It's very...concerning.
Regarding this uncertainty, this feeling of being scattered and chaotic, I was praying one day to Heavenly Father to make sense of it all. As I did so I saw a mental image of a puzzle.
This puzzle, I realized, represented me.
The outside borders were put together with care from the very beginning of my life, all in order and well done regardless of how terrible I am at making puzzles.
But somewhere along the line my abuse happened, there was shock, there were instances when I had to step in and be the second adult when Mom had no one else.
And there was a lot of growing up fast that occurred.
In that struggle to "pull myself together" I smashed the pieces into place, sometimes bending the edges, other times breaking them.
But what mattered was that the puzzle was whole and solid...
Right? Until you take a step back. Then you realize that there is no image in the picture! It might be solidly STUCK together, but that doesn't mean that it actually creates any sort of artwork. Okay, maybe something picasso-esque, but that's about it.
In order to get to that image you have to unstick all the pieces, one by one. Sometimes yanking things apart--sometimes accidentally breaking them! You set the puzzle pieces aside...then begin over!
Eventually a beautifully picture will come into being! Absolutely lovely! :D But you can't get to that point until you rearrange the pieces.
This "jumbling" of pieces is what's going on with my therapy right now. In order to be fixed I have to become a complete and total mess before I can become beautiful.
This may take months. It may take years. but it doesn't matter. I need to give myself all the time that my soul needs to understand who I am and what my purpose is in this life. Eventually everything will fall into place, some pieces bent and broken. But overall it will be okay, because only then will the real me shine through.
One of the deepest characters in the series was Helga G. (Geraldine) Pataki. Her father owns his own business, "Bob's Beeper Emporium," and is rude, egotistical, prideful, and verbally abusive. Her mild-mannered mother, Miriam, is a closet alcoholic, drinking her "smoothies" whenever Bob gets too overbearing, even though (as showcased in one episode) she is actually quite intelligent and competent.
Both compare their second daughter, Helga, to their perfect older daughter, Olga. Olga, in college (while Helga is 10 years old), has done and seen everything. She gets straight A's, is brilliant on the piano, and has numerous beaus. She's also a do-gooder and loves to serve those who are disadvantaged. (She is also the only one in Helga's family that notices and appreciates her. But it's a bitter pill to swallow, given her saccharine nature and how Helga is forced to stand in her shadow.)
Suffice to say, Helga has a lot going against her. Throw in her stalkerish obsessive love with the one (other) person to show her unconditional affection, Arnold, even after persistent bullying and you get a real headcase.
It's not really a surprise that Helga ends up on The Couch.
Here's a tiny clip of their interactions.
Did I ever expect to end up "On The Couch" in my later years? No, I did not.
Although, admittedly, I don't really sit/lay on a couch. It's just an armchair, and we face one another direction. Plus she has a bowl of snacks between us on a side table.
In any case, I've been seeing a therapist since about...May-ish? Maybe June-ish. I'm not sure.
But some of the things being discussed have been:
- My father's abuse.
- The fact that it really WAS abuse (I am not just a secondary victim. There's too much minimizing there...).
- How I have a right to be angry.
- But how I can also let go of the anger.
- Negative coping mechanisms and behaviors.
- How in an effort to cut off the negative emotions/memories I have essentially cut off all my emotions. So when they do arise...they pretty much blow up in my face. :|
- Healthy Boundaries
There's been a boatload of learning about correct boundaries--which seems like it's a simple thing, but really...it's not. :| Especially when I start realizing that because of the fact that I trust no one outside of my very immediate circle, my boundaries are too exclusive. While with my family my boundaries are too loose--I have a hard time saying no and have a tendency to be the mediator and to fix everyone's problems. :| And what about the friends that I let walk all over me?
It's a bit of a problem. So boundaries are important. Things like saying, "no, you can't text me after ten p.m. I have to get up for work at five a.m." And, "you've said that a lot over the years, and in the past I've just let it go. Did you know that when you say that it actually hurts my feelings? Could you please stop?" Stuff like that.
There are also problems with anxiety.
Which certainly explains the sudden breakdowns from my mission, how riding the bus outside of my usual route utterly paralyzed me pre-mission, plus the moments when I snap at people in anger...as a result of rising anxiety that I can't express or explain until it's abruptly overflowing and I can't controlitandaaaaaaaaaaah!
Now I'm learning how to voice that I'm feeling anxiety, and that I need a moment. I am also realizing that a lot of anxiety comes from a lack of control in my environment. Including being put into a position where I have the inability to say no. This parallels my childhood trauma, and how I was unable to say no towards a trusted adult.
I am trying to learn to adapt to a changing environment, and, when I am unable to do so, distancing myself until I can "reset" my emotional well-being.
Also (bringing it back to boundaries) saying 'no' when too much is requested of me or someone tries to badger me into doing something I don't want to do.
My childhood trauma has even leaked it's way into my relationships, but specifically romantic ones, which certainly explains the irrational fear I felt towards all men as a teenager...
...the way I avoided the guys I liked...
...the panicking I start doing when a guy becomes too serious...
So there you go, a true explanation for all the chaos I wreaked in the lives of what few men I have dated!
Yep, it all makes sense now.
In any case, working on all of these things at once (or in waves) has led me to feeling like I am scattered. That I am all over the place, and so are my responses.
Before my breakdown around my 30th birthday, in March, I thought that I was pretty put together. And now I feel like I am not put together at all these days. It's a really difficult feeling. And, in response to that chaotic feeling, this last weekend as I was working on a Family History pamphlet (titled the "My Family" booklet) when I got to the "about me" page I froze.
I could easily fill in the section about my interests and hobbies, but in the "what would you like others to know about you" section I drew a blank. I have always based my worth on what I can do--the things I can create and the good that I do for others.
But I couldn't figure out who I...AM.
Which is a rather strange dilemma. It got bad enough, that I went through and finished every other aspect of the booklet except for that section, saving it for last. Then I finally wrote in that spot, "I'm not entirely sure who I am. I am still trying to figure that out..." something along those lines, then I talked about the things I love. Kids. Family. Service. Friendship. Etc.
In my therapy readings they actually talk about how this sense of self--or lack thereof--is actually very common among abuse and/or trauma victims. They lose an understanding of who they really are in the effort to become a chameleon, catering themselves to those around them. For example, if a child knows that their parent is more likely to hit them if they whine, then they learn not to whine, and to be very...very...quiet. This also goes for things like having bad grades--they learn to be very good at school, whether they like it or not.
In my situation I used books as both a defense and a distraction. If I was reading I had an excuse to stay away from my father--"no, I don't want to watch that movie with the family. I am reading a good book right now,"--and an escape from the world I lived in. The reality in books became more real to me than my own reality. I almost felt like a player in my own story, able to step back and watch things going on without participating, myself.
I was in survival mode. And then, when Dad went into prison, all the energy that would have gone into developing instead went towards (again) surviving in an "adult" role, acting as my mother's support and being the child "in charge" as my sister broke down, my brother broke out in anger, and my two other siblings felt loss and confusion.
Surviving puts you in a position where the energy that would be normally spent on Developing appropriately instead gets diverted.
(Here are some quick videos that discuss if we saw physical illness the way that we see mental illness.)
(This second video, by Buzzfeed, has two swearwords in it, but they are both said under their breath, so if you turn off the subtitles I guarantee that you won't notice...because I also missed it at first but did a double-take when reading the subtitles. O__o )
Anyway! Back on target.
When all your being is focused on surviving, only a minute amount of developing occurs. Which effectively puts all development in that age range on the back burner. Then, as an adult, you will spend the rest of your life trying to achieve the finalization of those stages of development.
The result is that all those teenager years that should have been spent learning about myself, my likes and dislikes, experimenting with hair color and hanging out with friends without the anxiety of responsibility, plus learning how to healthily interact with the opposite gender...never happened.
So any time in our therapy sessions--both individual and group--I have to remind myself that it wasn't my inner child that is having all the problems. It's my inner pre-adolescent, adolescent, and teenager.
The result is that I'm starting to deal with it...now. Which is very confusing. :| Especially among the guy friends who are like, "you've always been like ________, and now you are acting all weird. What's up?" And, much like a teenager, things that normally (when they bugged me) I would sweep aside in order to keep the peace are suddenly becoming Really Important Boundary Issues.
Basically I'm a big ball of confusion and anxiety. It's very...concerning.
Regarding this uncertainty, this feeling of being scattered and chaotic, I was praying one day to Heavenly Father to make sense of it all. As I did so I saw a mental image of a puzzle.
This puzzle, I realized, represented me.
The outside borders were put together with care from the very beginning of my life, all in order and well done regardless of how terrible I am at making puzzles.
But somewhere along the line my abuse happened, there was shock, there were instances when I had to step in and be the second adult when Mom had no one else.
And there was a lot of growing up fast that occurred.
In that struggle to "pull myself together" I smashed the pieces into place, sometimes bending the edges, other times breaking them.
But what mattered was that the puzzle was whole and solid...
Right? Until you take a step back. Then you realize that there is no image in the picture! It might be solidly STUCK together, but that doesn't mean that it actually creates any sort of artwork. Okay, maybe something picasso-esque, but that's about it.
In order to get to that image you have to unstick all the pieces, one by one. Sometimes yanking things apart--sometimes accidentally breaking them! You set the puzzle pieces aside...then begin over!
Eventually a beautifully picture will come into being! Absolutely lovely! :D But you can't get to that point until you rearrange the pieces.
This "jumbling" of pieces is what's going on with my therapy right now. In order to be fixed I have to become a complete and total mess before I can become beautiful.
This may take months. It may take years. but it doesn't matter. I need to give myself all the time that my soul needs to understand who I am and what my purpose is in this life. Eventually everything will fall into place, some pieces bent and broken. But overall it will be okay, because only then will the real me shine through.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)